Setting Boundaries from a Recovering People Pleaser

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Name of Show: The Crown Season 3

Brief Overview: Queen Elizabeth is in her older stages of life. In this episode America just put a man on the moon and The Duke of Edinburgh found it to be so amazing, but when he meets the astronauts that he feels a connection to because he’s an air man as well, he soon realizes that to the astronauts they were just following orders and checking boxes, and that they view his life in the palace as more exciting than what they did in journeying to the moon. Also, we’re introduced to Prince Charles in his young adult years. At this point I feel sorry for Prince Charles because he seems so soft hearted and people keep trying to force him into being harder than he actually is, it’s not his nature.

Setting Boundaries from a Recovering People Pleaser

I like to think that boundaries are necessary to keep a relationship.

Recently, I had someone contact me that I have not spoken to in over five years.

The person I was five years ago was at their most strained point, my dad had died, I hadn’t started therapy and the thing about death and grief is that the people surrounding the one’s grieving show up or show out.

The one’s who show up are there for you, they continuously show that they are here to support you in the ways that they can.

HEAR ME AGAIN, they are here to support you, the grieving person(s) in the ways that they can.

For example, one of my best friends doesn’t do funerals, but they came four years away to spend time with their family and attend my dad’s funeral, just to sit outside the funeral home at his wake in support. My other best friend was states away, but they sent their mom to find me at work and check on me.

THEY SHOWED UP!

Returning back to the person who contacted me recently that I haven’t spoken to in over five years, that person showed out.

The one’s who show out are people who reveal to you they are not worth the level of relationship you once had with them.

To me, when you lose someone and enter the grief process a chapter ends and one begins. And the chapter you begin is one you have to too often go alone and not many people can come along with you.

But the people who show up usually become permanent staples in the journey, those people help keep some semblance of normalcy in the grieving is having to create.

For the people who show out they will have to figure out why the relationship changed and it’s up to them to communicate that willingness to know, and to do their own internal work if they so choose or they can just move on and let the relationship go.

The person who contacted me did so through text message, and I immediately had an attitude. 1. I was offended that they contacted me, saying we haven’t spoken in a long time. 2. I was like who’s fault is that? 3. Communication is a two-way street.

For me I left a lot of people behind who I felt didn’t provide me with the relationship I wanted. Also, I’m at a better place in my life now so that I’m able to know what type of relationship’s I require in friends and family and that has made my circle very small. People who knew me five years ago have no idea who I am now and frankly they don’t deserve my time, my energy at the worth I am now.

I’M TOO EXPENSIVE!

All that being said, that’s my boundaries, it may seem like a hard boundary but it exist because I’m valuing the level of relationship that I’m willing to give you. While I still care about the person, I just don’t want to ever have to see or talk to them. I wish them no ill will but…I don’t want to talk to you or open that level of communication again because the energy you’re tied to and bring with you could cause me to wander away from myself that I lose me again, and I’m not risking that. Sorry, not sorry.

So, here are some tips to assist with setting up boundaries.

From: One Good Reason for Setting Healthy Boundaries Now

1. Assess Resentment

a. Recognize your feelings, which takes a higher level of emotional intelligence

b. Self evaluation/self-monitoring, all important to understand how to set boundaries

2. Clue into Personality Preferences

a. People like your family and friends, people who you care about can cause you to outweigh you better judgement and ignore your self monitor

b. Example: Your mom wants you to come one hour across town after work to spend time with her after working your 9 to 5 every week, when you’re exhausted and don’t want to go.

i. But is this mentally or physically healthy for you?

ii. Answer: No

iii. But it’s your mom. The real question is how do you feel?

c. Compromise is necessary in relationships, but compromise isn’t one sided.

d. So, if mom doesn’t want to understand that you can’t come see her every week, but you can compromise once or twice a month and substitute Face Timing or talking with her on the phone at the end of the day. Compromise, compromise.

3. Seek other Boundary Setters

a. This can be support groups, church, and trusted friends.

b. For me it’s therapy. When I discussed my current situation with the person contacting me when we haven’t spoken in over five years she stated that it’s alright to set boundaries and understood and affirmed my emotions being valid.

4. Define what’s Most Important

a. Have you heard the statement: You must show people how you want to be treated?

b. This tip is similar to that saying

c. But you can’t do this tip without knowing your worth

d. They call this knowing your treasures, like your time, money, feelings or beliefs.

5. Practice Baby No’s

a. Baby No’s for me is not leaving my house because people want me too.

b. If I’m at home and comfortable not leaving my home and a friend calls me text messages me, I can say no, and that friend will hopefully be mature enough to understand

6. Revel in some Guilt

a. This tip threw me for a loop, because it tells you that if you’re feeling some guilt about saying “no” actually means you’re moving ahead.

I’m grateful for the people who showed up at my weakest point, and the people who showed out for giving me the clarity to see myself worth

Boundaries are your responsibility. You decide what is and isn’t allowed in your life?